I'm just done reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years of age. I am making efforts to take on my normal jaunty, radiant face for the world but inside I am a complete jumble.
Drink' helped me face my drinking habits which has been an issue for a long time. It made me feel uninsulated which was really soothing. I found myself troubled coping with many issues in my life'. I tend to seek comfort by abusing a usage of alcohol, thus you can assume that my alcoholic addiction didn't caused by genetics or lack of self control, it was caused by myself consciously. Growing up was difficult - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self pride and overweight, unpopular me was left to feed for myself on most occasions. Emotionally, I was totally independent.
Strangely, I took no alcohol in high school. My university days was a different scenario with students partying without inhibitions while the school attempts to portray its intellectual capability. And so began my journey into the excessive consumption of alcohol and subsequent negative activity - ranging from loss of consciousness to terrible hangovers to improper sexual behaviours.
One thing I learn at that time, that for a fat girl like me who want a sexual relation with the opposite gender, I have to be drunk as drunk as the boys, and maybe that's my chance to have it with them.
When I look back, I remember one day I woke up in a frat house in Montreal, beside me there is this guy totally naked in bed'.. But I felt relieved because I could've been end up in hospital, got badly injured, or worst I could've been pregnant, but I didn't.
Life moved on - I became a licensed nurse, got a masters degree and dated a lovely guy. We took wine on weekends when we were with each other and sometimes during the week I would buy myself a drink.
After that comes a moment when I got married, I got pregnant twice, both I had it when I completely abstained of alcohol. But then as life progressed on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed out, compulsive husband with anger problems'..wine on weekends turned to being wine Thursday - Sunday.
My husband got addicted to a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of alcohol...and shortly a nocturnal habit to crack one or two... Privately, I started mixing my own alcoholic beverages and hiding the glass in my baking cupboard.
Immediately I arrived home - and encounter the household disorder, getting supper, attempting to receive ADHD boy to pay attention on homework while prying the other person off his iPod'.. I can just think about combining that drink'..which I keep filling again till finally I become asleep or faint. In the mornings, first thing I do is check my I-telephone to see whom I may have unintentionally messaged while inebriated.
But there is more - two years ago I became entangled in a very fierce emotional affair with one of my son's ally's father. The relationship never got intimate (besides a few hugs and staying very close at sporting venues) but if some of you have read about (or witnessed) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and fierce, if not more so then a physical love affair. I was on seventh heaven - all the time my phone showed a message'.oh the rush of feelings. Usually we exchanged texts late into night, at times in the middle of the night, while we were at duty.
I felt really happy, happier that I had ever been. The affair was getting dangerously near to crossing over the sexual line and he retreated. I was very devastated, it was impacted me really hard and it increasing my drinking habit' I have been grieving the loss at that time.
My alcoholic beverage comforted me they alleviated the pain.
I am so embarrassed as I think back over my life. The drunken episodes:
Being Completely hammered last Christmas at a cocktail party
Intoxicated at my sister's 50th birthday
I randomly sent rant messages through my iPhone, I can't even control myself at that time.
Creating a scene in the presence of my children.
Hitting my fist at my husband in the face
An aggregate yelling battle one night when my child had a companion dozing over
This is my recovery... having my self in counselling, reading Ann's book, discovering this website, find out people with similar stories and read theirs. I feel like I am returning back home.